THREE: Les Trois Garcons

She says...

As with many popular high-end restaurants Les Trois Garcons has two distinct sittings - the 'panic dash from work' early one, and the 'I'm not hungry now, because I had to have a snack to keep me going' late one. We went for 6:45pm, and I was keenly reminded that they would need the table back by 8:45pm sharp. I was 15 minutes late. Arghh! We've now only got one hour 45 minutes to complete six courses! Quick, where's the starter?

The first thing to arrive was the ubiquitous amuse bouche - a warm swirl of pasta with a mushroomy froth. I (in stark contrast to what Matt says below) found it fresh and full of flavour. A good start; the conversation and the yummy Argentinian Malbec (a reasonable £28 find from a long and varied wine list) started flowing.

The following dishes though, failed to break through our chatter. The starter proper, two styles of fois gras, lacked imagination. I couldn't help comparing it unfavourably to a meal we'd enjoyed with the same couple, at Odettes, in Primrose Hill. There the fois gras was teamed with roasted wood pigeon, pickled cherries, chocolate and vanilla salt - a sensational concoction that bounced around the mouth.

Back to The Three Frenchmen and the razor clam with melted cheese raised an approving ooooo from me, but the accompanying monkfish and strangely crunchy lump of potato had no zing. The venison course that came afterwards was tastless and lukewarm, with no tongue-pleasing combination of flavours. Perhaps foodie burglars had stolen the seasoning from the kitchen?

Oh no, clearly all the salt had been wasted on the square potato croquet nestling under the meat. Blurghh, so saline I had to immediately gulp some water. Even the chocolate dessert failed to live up to its decadent promise. The sweet red wine (a Maury from the Pyrenees) the waitress suggested as an accompaniment was intriguing, but underwhelming as well.

Despite the alert service, always on hand with refills of tap water, there's something a bit lacklustre about the restaurant and its food. The room is still beautifully quirky, with more handbags hanging from the ceiling than chandeliers, and one of the owners actually walked through the restaurant early on with the real life dalmatians that are immortalised in the giant portrait on the wall  (interview with Les Trois Garcons).

But it now feels like a dusty antique shop in need of a spring clean. I guess we should have been wary of the hint of desperation that putting offers on a voucher site gives off, and I left feeling mighty glad we hadn't paid the normal £60 for the tasting menu. However, we hadn't in actual fact had the normal tasting menu, and we hadn't really had six courses! One of the three fish/meat courses advertised on the website was missing. In its place we'd had a slim plate of petit fours.

Bit of a swizz really, rescued only by great company. The fact we discussed everything else - from holidays in Nicaragua and copyright law to the recent rise in the motorway speed limit - rather than the food, is telling I think! On the plus side, after all the emphasis on clock-watching, we never felt rushed, and were still at the table at 9:10pm being asked if we wanted coffee. The room was more than half empty by now, clearly not over-subscribed; but then it was a Monday night.

So not quite the dining outing I'd hoped for, and, as an experience is always judged against expectations, I'm not sure it justified the final bill of £56 each (wine, coffee and service were added to the prepaid £30 food offer).

Restaurant #3 = 5/10

He says...

As we were taken to our table, I noticed a tiger wearing a crown towering over a dining couple, while nearby a monkey was sat happily displaying his genitalia to the well-heeled guests of Hassan, Michel and Stefan - les trois garcons themselves.

The three restaurateurs have been bringing their brand of quirky dishevelled glamour to diners for over ten years, having built a loyal fanbase with signature French-influenced dishes and Alice in Wonderland decor.

But it could have been that Monday evening vibe (or that the redirected Heathrow flights had woken Kat and I too early that morning), but there was a tiredness to the proceedings.

The first discovery was that our grubby little vouchers proffered to the maitre d’ bought us a special tasting menu – not the one I eagerly noted on the website that featured Gressingham duck breast and Nori crusted Scottish scallops. No, this was a tasting menu that sadly lacked taste.

The pasta amuse bouche was vaguely mushroomy. Very vaguely. The Venison with red fruity sauce and two pretty girolle mushrooms was also surprisingly flavourless.

Even the slab of milk and white chocolate smeared with melted chocolate sauce – which should have elicited wild pronouncements of adoration – only got a mention at our table because the accompanying biscuit contained the popping candy that the kids at my school used to throw on the floor and then jump on to create loud crackling noises.

But the fois gras - both as pate and smokily pan-fried in Sauternes - collided well with the Argentinian Malbec. And the cube of monkfish fillet was meatily satisfying, although its accompanying razor clam with cheese let the side down.

A tasting menu should be something that surprises, delights and sparks discussion, but sadly my bouche was not amused.

Apparently either Hassan, Michel or Stefan passed by our table at one point, but I failed to notice, perhaps still mesmerised by the flashing monkey. Either that, or these trois garcons have become part of the furniture.

Time to follow the monkey, and show some bollocks?

Restaurant #3 = 7/10

Tasting menus

He says...

As one of our guests has said, six courses in under two hours is going to be like an extreme sport. Although to deem the by-now-ubiquitous amuse bouche an actual 'course' is pushing it a little. I'll be surprised if it surpasses the amuse bouche we received in the restaurant attached to our hotel in Italy the other week: a whole cup of caviar.

But this does all look rather good - especially the 'Seared Gressingham Duck Breast and slow cooked cabbage wrapped leg served with girolles, sugarsnaps and orange jus' - or Duck a l'orange as it was once known.

Unlike Kat, I've never eaten here, although I did once go to the Lounge Lover bar next door, which, unusually for a bar, doesn't have a bar. You just kind of casually hang around until a waiter asks you if you want a drink. Bit disconcerting really, but that's Shoreditch for you.

Number three is decided...

She says...

We've decided! With a little help from voucher people Groupon.

Having contemplated our less than perfect short list for a few weeks, I then got an email from Groupon advertising the 6 course tasting menu at Les Trois Garcons (see his previous post) for half price - £60 for 2 people instead of £120. Well one couldn't refuse, could one? After a hasty email inviting other friends to join us, our partners in gastronomic adventure, Joe & Clara, also got their voucher just before the deadline.

Les Trois Garcons fails on 2 of my accounts; I've already been there (albeit about 5 years ago) and it's inside Zone 2. But the thought of eating mini portions of posh French food overseen by a stuffed tiger, at HALF PRICE, more than outweighed these minor concerns. Although I hope I don't get corked wine this time.



Now, just need to get a booking before the 999 other voucher holders get in there before us.

Three's a crowd

She says...

Ok Ok here I am with my delayed missive, thoroughly chastised. Although it's hard to be enthusiastic about food when you're hungover and nauseous.

I'm pushing for the next restaurant we try to be a bit further from Zone One. I want to go exploring the outer reaches of the tube system, get off at stops I've never get off at before, and probably won't ever again. 

Therefore the 3 Oceans Bar & Restaurant (http://www.3-oceans.co.uk/index.html) would certainly seem to fit the bill. It's located near Woodside Park tube station, which after careful inspection of the tube map I found, 2 stops from the end of the High Barnet section of the Northern line. Brilliantly described as 'exquisite, trendy, tasty' on their home page, they have 3 different menus to chose from. In a quirky move the 'Continental' one features Thai fish cakes and chicken satay. Is it just me, or when someone mentions continental food do you think of things a bit closer to home?

Anyway, in another corner of the tube map, at the end of the Piccadilly Line somewhere very near Heathrow, is the Three Magpies pub. http://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Restaurant_Review-g186338-d1436578-Reviews-The_Three_Magpies-London_England.html. Maybe a good place to go on a date with a plane spotter, but, as we're tormented by the sound of low flying aircraft enough as it is at home, I don't think this is going to get either of our votes for a visit.

Handily bridging the gap between our second and third restauarnts though could be this place - a restaurant inside the H10 hotel in Waterloo called Three O Two. http://www.hotelh10londonwaterloo.com/en/index.html. Smart, slick and entirely souless by the look of it.

And talking of bridges this restaurant, called the Three Bridges, popped up. But on closer investigation it appears it's already collasped. http://www.london-eating.co.uk/30067-2.htm.

Choices choices...

Three suggestions for three

He says...

As Kat seems to have gone strangely quiet, I’ll take it upon myself to suggest a few options for our third restaurant. The obvious one is the tres expensive Les Trois Garcons in Shoreditch. The menu does look pretty fucking good, and there’s a tasting menu which features the now-ubiquitous glass of snot – sorry - Amuse Bouche… And Les Trois Garcons’ website reveals that their limited edition scented candle won the FIFI Fragrance award for the new home fragrance in erm… 2007.

From the great to the erm, not so great is the pub at the end of our road called The Famous Three Kings (or F3K for short), in which rugby fans smash each other over the heads with chairs as the landlord barks aggressively over the PA system, like a minority sports-appreciating despot. They probably do a mean egg in a bap.

Finally, at random, I’ve discovered Asta 3, a Japanese Restaurant in Aldgate which serves Bento Boxes. These are a good neat way of eating food if you don’t like the different things on your plate to mingle with each other too much.

TWO: Efes 2

He says...

I must admit I was having some slight misgivings about inviting urbane London friends to a restaurant that at best could be described as quirky, and whose main selling point was that it was once visited by Simon Bates.

My concerns were not abated when we arrived to the sound of a circular saw whining away in the upper part of the restaurant. Half of the place was under renovation, probably a wise move on the part of the management when we saw the parts that weren't. We were led downstairs to a large room with a small stage ominously littered with musical intruments. It would have had a party atmosphere if it wasn't quite so empty, and we were dealt with by some over-attentive waiters in matching red waistcoats.

The feeling that I was in a scene from Carry On Abroad continued when I walked into the gents' toilets to find that there weren't any toilets in there, or anything else for that matter. Walking out with a perplexed look on my face, a waiter pointed to the ladies next door with a look that suggested I should have known that already. With any luck, I thought, we'll all be pissed enough to see the funny side of this soon.

We were in the mood for cocktails, but there was only one cocktail on offer - a Turkish variant of Sex on the Beach, which arrived in varying tones of oranginess. Kat ordered the wine, which tasted pretty winey.

We started with the mixed meze, which arrived arranged on a silver platter with a magificant prawn cocktail centrepiece.

For the main course I ordered the Special Mixed Kebab - the word 'special' seeming to suggest all manner of unspoken delights. The Special Mixed Kebab is in fact a British-style mixed grill, but with the added factor of a small strip of pitta bread placed underneath it all. It was certainly hearty and well-cooked, although I could have done without the donner meat. My Venezualan friend looked disconcerted as I explained the term 'Elephant Leg'.

The room was starting to fill by now, including a wizened old man in a black suit who arrived with a girl far younger than him. Their proximity suggested that she was neither his daughter nor granddaughter.

The fun arrived right behind the booze, and the conversation led to a recent stag do, in which the stag was forced to wear a beard made of the other attendees' pubic hair. The hair, it seems, was plucked rather than shaven, and gathered over the weeks preceding the event.

But such fascinating insights were soon drowned out by the rising volume of the band over whose traditional music we were having to shout. A young girl came on and did a warbly vocal turn, then there was a jazz-funk interlude that seemed to betray the band's real passion. However, the promise of a Herbie Hancock-style workout was denied by the arrival of a lady in full belly-dancing gear. She was quite late, and Kat suggested that, much like Courtney Love, they had to wait for her drugs to arrive before she went on.

Within moments I was dragged up onto the dancefloor and the belly dancer waggled her breasts at me as I tried not to look like Jarvis Cocker. She then unceremoniously shooed me away. The room still being fairly sparsely populated, almost everyone in the room was dragged up - including Kat, who threw some surprisingly good shapes considering the dancer's decolletage was at her eye level. The old man and his young companion politely declined the dancer's advances.

My childed friends ran off to relieve the babysitter, and I was left hoping they had a good time. I think he did, at least - within moments I received a text message: 'The belly dancer is FIT'.

Restaurant #2 = 3/10


She says...

So my distress at being faced with a restaurant under construction on Friday has been somewhat put in context by the fact London is currently being deconstructed by rioters burning down buildings and looting as many trainers, iphones and HD TVs as they can get their hands on.

Dragging myself away from the turmoil on Twitter is hard, but I suppose I should give my thoughts on restaurant number 2.

Having made the mistake of actually reading a few, distinctly unenthusiastic, reviews in the hours leading up to our jaunt to Efes, my expectations were pretty low. Which proved useful on being presented with the building site on the ground floor level of our chosen restaurant and my early-arriving friends sitting at the outside, street level, tables looking unimpressed. They'd already ventured into the downstairs restaurant area but seeing it deserted came back up for air. Things could only get better.

So we persevered and let ourselves be ushered down to the large spacious basement dining room once again, where by this time a few other tables were already seated and there was a band set up for later entertainment. Quite understated decor, clean and tidy.

The waiters had a helpful, if slightly cheeky chappy, manner whilst explaining the intricacies of the menu. Basically a large array of 'set menus' consisting of a starter + main + coffee & fruit for £24, which you could alter at will with any of the other mains on the a la carte version. Kinda makes the whole set menu thing pointless, no? Anyway, we ignored the advice and opted for a couple of mixed hot & cold mezze starters to share, plus a main meal each. And some very drinkable white wine and impressive goblets of (the only available) cocktail - a house concoction involving a variety of spirits and something red. Yum.

The kitsch presentation of the cold mezze won praise, the bread seemed fresh and the grilled halloumi cheese was delicious. Our meaty mains were substantial and well cooked if lacking any finesse whatsoever, but the veggie mousaka was a bit under par by comparison. Overall, nowhere as near as bad an experience as I'd anticipated, and, for a round £35 each inc drink, on the edge of being good value for money.

Despite the reviews I'd previously read saying service was poor, rude and slow, our plates were cleared too speedily and we had to loiter with an empty table to catch the star attraction. She appeared, and gamely got most of our party of 7 to do some dancing with her. The boy came back to the table slightly flustered, but not entirely unhappy, stating with some admiration and somewhat unnecessarily, that she had ' waggled her tits in my face'.

Sophisticated this place is not, but it's also not a dive and the food is very tasty. If you want a jolly, ideally booze fueled and loud (the band did bang on a bit), Friday night out in very central London - job done :-)

Restaurant #2 = 6.5/10


NB - the ground floor alterations are due to be finished in 'oo a couple of weeks Madam, probably not more than 10 days'.

Tonight's the night for dancing...

She says...
Tonight we venture out again to play our numbers game. Efes 2, the Turkish restaurant with belly dancing EVERY night of the week, won out. We opted for a Friday as somehow indulging in Monday or midweek midrift seemed a bit wrong.

We've also extended an invitation to friends this time, safety in numbers after all (boom booom). Accompanying us is a selection of sophisticated taste buds from London and Cheshire, including the couple responsible for starting this shenanigans in the first place. So hoping the evening lives up to the expectation of silly fun and doesn't fall flat on its face in a deserted basement in the no man's land just South of Great Portland Street.


Having noticed another building brandishing the name Efes recently in Dalston, (http://thedalstonhowl.wordpress.com/photoblog/efes/) thought I'd do well to actually look up the meaning... Lo it's the Turkish name for the ancient Greek city Ephesus, as well as an established Turkish beer brewer who sponsor a (the?) basketball team in Istanbul. It is also, somewhat ironically, the Hebrew numeral for 'zero'. I think this information could prove important in future crossword completions.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Efes


Fashion NB - Am wearing harem pants today in honour of the occasion.